The numbers are out, and Harvard has announced that tuition will go up next year by 3.9 percent, costing students a grand total of $58,607. This marks the largest percentage increase in tuition in the last seven years. FM spoke to high-level administrators and members of the UC to determine where the money is going, so you have specific endeavors to direct your anger towards as you take out loans.
01 VERITAFFLES AND VERITOMELETTES
It’s Sunday morning. Well, Sunday mid-afternoon, more realistically. You roll up to brunch, sunglasses on, Advil in hand, ready to pounce on a crisp, warm waffle, branded with truth and prestige. Would all food taste that much better if labeled with the Harvard insignia? Next year we’ll find out. Rumor has it that Harvard is using our extra tuition money to expand its Veritas brand beyond the Veritaffle. Need a snack? Grab a Veritapple to go. What about some sweet Veritoatmeal for breakfast?. How does a cheesy Veritomelette sound? Veriswai? You tell us.
02 HEIGHTENED SECURITY CHECKS
You spent the year complaining about those thirty seconds it takes to have your stuff checked every time you leave a library. But who’s to say you aren’t hiding highly valuable Widener material beneath an unfinished Ec problem set? Next year, part of the tuition increase will fund increased security, completed in part by the TSA. Say goodbye to quick and easy check-ins at the desk and say hello to body scanners, metal detectors, and full body pat downs. You won’t be leaving Widener with anything (including your dignity) in under 10 minutes next year.
03 UPPING THE ACCESS: ID SWIPES
You thought your Harvard ID could be used for just about anything—purchasing snacks from the vending machines, (occasionally) doing your laundry, receiving access to dorms, enjoying John from Annenberg’s behind-the-back swiping shenanigans. This fall, one can only imagine what those useful little pieces of plastic will be able to do for you. Next year’s Montclair purchased with Crimson Cash? A suite at the Charles for the night on your board plus? You name it, your swipe’s got it.
04 THE EIGHT-MINUTE RULE
Harvard Time has saved you in countless situations. Want to stop for coffee before your 9 a.m.? Need to grab a book in your dorm before class? Gotta spend those seven minutes in heaven with a special someone? Harvard’s seven minute rule lets you do all that and more. With the extra money, we’re thinking the College will up the ante to eight minutes, thus paying off TFs in order for you to miss yet another minute of instructional opportunity. Think of all you’ll be able to do with that extra time: put sugar in your coffee, take notes on a reading that eluded your gaze for weeks, enjoy that eighth minute in heaven.
05 PARTY AT HOLYOKE
This one’s top secret. A reliable source that rhymes with “New Joust” has confirmed that the Smith Campus Center is being renovated. Its model? The one area in which Yale beats us: Toad’s. Harvard’s biannually attended nightclub has decided to work with the powers that be at Harvard to aid in the colonization of Greek fraternity Tao Omega Alpha Delta Sigma. On Friday and Saturday nights, students can line up in front of Delta Sig and potentially enter on weekend evenings based on their attractiveness and/or lack of clothing. The tuition increase seeks to fill the gaping hole left by Harvard’s acute shortage of male-controlled social spaces. Consulting the CEO of Toad’s ain’t cheap, but having fewer freshmen constantly complaining about their lack of social lives will definitely be the worth the price.
06 MOVING THE RIVER
Your trek over the river to reach the stadium is no more. Harvard’s latest project is the relocation of the Charles. Why should our student athletes have to spend an extra half hour commuting to and from each practice? Harvard has decided to relocate the river few miles away, bringing the athletic facilities much closer to campus. Think they’re favoring athletes? Administrators insist that’s not the case. The roommate of any athlete will thank Harvard profusely for saving them that extra 15 minutes of sleep. This endeavor will benefit athlete, scholar, and athlete-scholar alike.