“Immortality with Calypso sounds like a very good arrangement.”

— English professor on The Odyssey

“I always go to the bibliography first to see if I’m included… and if not I close the book.”

— Literature professor

“Is PSETs a class?”

— Arts and Humanities Administrator

“Genocide is a crime under international law, which the civilized world condemns.”

— History professor making an egregious modification error

“You don’t see doves in a hurricane.”

— English professor on Dante’s Inferno

“Have a cookie—think about coming to lecture often.”

— Desperate History TF in Section

“I love these graphs—maybe because I’m a graduate student. I have a couple of them on my fridge.”

— Same Desperate TF 10 minutes later

“There are other opportunities for VES concentrators besides… you know, begging in the street.”

“We call that busking.”

— Arts and Humanities Administrators

“Why’s he all worked up about nature? Nobody knows what nature is anymore…”

—Literature Professor

“I like Emma. I think she’s a sweetie.”

— Section Kid on Jane Austen’s intolerable protagonist

“Ethics in art is a no-no…good feelings make bad literature.”

— Literature professor

“Everything you said is true, plus what I said.”

— Literature professor on alternative interpretations

“People don’t throw in the word ‘Hitler’ just as a pun.”

— English professor on questionable language

“The letter D, which suggests a surrealist landscape of death...”

— Section Kid doing an extravagant reading of a single letter

“I know about the Holocaust; it was shitty.”

— Inappropriately blasé Section Kid

“Let’s just take the obscure and explain it in terms of the unintelligible.”

— Philosophy TF

“And people think literary theory is not influential!”

— Literature preceptor on HUDS “Deconstructed Chicken Kabobs”

“That’s a very pragmatic question. We don’t want pragmatism here.”

— Literature professor

“We’ve arrived at the horrible conclusion that it’s better to steal from people who give gifts to you.”

— Philosophy professor

“Moral philosophers are constantly pitching hypothetical children into ponds.”

— Philosophy professor