Harvard University Police Department (or “Hup-Dee,” to those in the know) works tirelessly to make campus safe and sound for all of us. More interestingly, HUPD publishes police reports publicly, detailing the utter chaos, illegal activity, and idiocy rampant among Harvard students. In the spirit of reflection and improvement, FM decided to use Harvard’s police reports to help us all learn from our mistakes and make HUPD’s job a little easier in the process.
LESSON 1: DRESS TO IMPRESS
DATE: 7:41 AM 3/10/14
COMPLAINT: Trespass Warning
WHERE: Smith Campus Center 1350 Mass. Ave.
REPORT: Officers dispatched to a report of an unwanted guest exposed. Officers arrived and located the individual and conducted a field interview. The individual informed the officers that they were tucking in their shirt. The individual was issued a trespass warning for all Harvard University property and sent on their way.
Everyone knows that Harvard is a respectable institution. You can’t just go walking around Mass. Ave. with your shirt hanging out. We’ve got a reputation to uphold, and we’ve got to dress the part. As far as FM is concerned, this guy deserved a lot more than just a warning.
LESSON 2: WELCOME DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN WELCOME
DATE: 1:14 AM 3/2/14
COMPLAINT: Open and Gross
LOCATION: Adams House F 45-57 Bow St.
REPORT: Officer dispatched on the report of a male who had urinated on the welcome mat outside of the reporting party’s room. The reporting party stated that the individual was startled and fled the area after they opened their door.
We’ve all been there; when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. And a welcome mat when you’re in this situation can just seem so tempting. But, come on, you know better, save it for John Harvard.
LESSON 3: CULTIVATE A HEALTHY SENSE OF SUSPICION
DATE: 6:33 PM 3/24/14
COMPLAINT: Suspicious Activity
LOCATION: Harvard Yard 1 Peabody St.
REPORT: Officers dispatched to a report of an individual walking through the area carrying a long bag that may contain a weapon. Officers located several individuals through the area carrying large bags containing musical instruments.
Good thing they called HUPD. These days, you never know when someone’s trying to get an exam cancelled, and noise complaints aren’t that great either.
LESSON 4: HUDS AIN’T THAT BAD
DATE: 10:06 AM 3/10/14
COMPLAINT: Theft Report
WHERE: Baker Library 25 Harvard Way Allston
REPORT: Officer dispatched to take a report of stolen containers valued at $20, bags of coffee valued at $100, a bottle of olive oil valued at $40, and a block of cheese valued at $40.
Veritaffles can only be good so many times, and after your 10th Korean BBQ night, that sautéed chicken has lost its original appeal. While FM admires your attempt to get original, come on. What were you trying to make? An olive-coffee cheesecake doesn’t exactly sound mouth watering.
LESSON 5: CIGARS ARE CLASSY
DATE: 9:31 PM 3/14/14
COMPLAINT: Trespass Warning
LOCATION: 10 Dewolfe St.
REPORT: Officer observed an individual smoking a cigar near the entrance to the daycare center. Officers conducted a field interview with the individual who was checked for warrents with negative results. The individual was issued a trespass warning for all Harvard University property and sent on their way.
This kid gets it. The only thing classier than smoking a cigar is teaching the leaders of tomorrow how to smoke a cigar. Who cares about lung cancer? Not babies! That’s for sure.
LESSON 6: BE ON TIME
DATE: 11:54 PM 3/9/14
COMPLAINT: Noise Complaint
LOCATION: MacArthur Hall 47 Harvard Way Allston
REPORT: Officer dispatched to a report of an alarm clock going off. Officer arrived and turned the alarm off.
Here at Harvard we take time very seriously. Between the bell towers, the strict dining hall hours, and the extra seven minutes of Harvard time, the administration has clearly made an effort to eliminate lateness from the community. We can only assume that involving HUPD is the next step. We get it, don’t be late for class. But maybe, next time, HUPD could do something about the Lowell Bells.