September 3: Dorm Crew Friendship Ends Tragically

September 14: Alarmed, Girl Hears Kissing Sounds Through Fire Door

September 30: Breaking Bad Addicts Suffer Withdrawal; Move onto Meth

October 2: Humanities Not Dead; Spotted in Las Vegas Bar

October 13: Section Leader Also Hasn’t Done The Reading

October 15: Girl Cut From Bee Punch, Discovered She Only Lived In NYC For Three Years

November 8: Student Eats Code; Sent to UHS

November 22: U.S. Government Shutdown Causes Students To Treat Politics More Seriously; Sam Clark and Gus Mayopoulos Win UC Election

November 23: Sam Clark Pranks Yale, Wins Yale College Council Election

Sam Clark 24: November Renamed Sam Clark Month

December 3: Crimson Reports Everyone At Harvard Gets Straight “A”s Except You

December 5: Yogurtland Stops Giving Out Free Frozen Yogurt; Insomnia Workers Protest

December 8: Fungus On Tree Has Never Heard of Donald Pfister

December 14: “Nothing Noteworthy At Harvard Lately,” CNN Reports

December 16: “Nevermind,” CNN Amends

January 22: Rakesh Khurana Chosen as Dean of the College, Excited His Transfer Out of Cabot Was Approved

January 27: Freshman Stops Diet After Reading ECHO Poster

January 31: Birthday Party Attendance Less than Facebook Event Predicts

February 11: Freshman Formal Ends Early When Dean Dingman’s Date Leaves With Someone Else

February 14: Widener Stacks Librarian Has Worst Day of the Year

February 15: Datamatch Results Inconclusive: Junior Probably Not The Father

February 28: Gov Concentrator Looks Up Crimea On Map, Is Pleasantly Surprised.

March 5: Bloomberg Named Commencement Speaker; Lamont Bag Checks Renamed Stop and Frisk

March 12: Freshman Uses New SAT As Excuse to Brag About Her Perfect Score

March 18: Senior Boy Appears Tan After Spring Break, But It’s Just the Lighting.

March 20: CAPITAL LETTERS CAMPAIGN Hits Halfway Mark

April 1: Student’s April Fools Joke Not That Funny, You Had to Be There, He Said.

April 2: HUDS Unveils New Line of Pre Prepared Salads. Students Eat Again.

April 9: Faculty Sign Letter For Divestment From Fossil Fuels; Faust Prints It 5,000 Times, Burns The Stack, Jumps In Hummer And Drives Off With The Top Down, AC At Full Blast

April 12: Student-Written Play Boldly Deals With Themes of Light/Dark and the Limits of Human Knowledge

April 30: FM Predicts Future