September 3: Dorm Crew Friendship Ends Tragically
September 14: Alarmed, Girl Hears Kissing Sounds Through Fire Door
September 30: Breaking Bad Addicts Suffer Withdrawal; Move onto Meth
October 2: Humanities Not Dead; Spotted in Las Vegas Bar
October 13: Section Leader Also Hasn’t Done The Reading
October 15: Girl Cut From Bee Punch, Discovered She Only Lived In NYC For Three Years
November 8: Student Eats Code; Sent to UHS
November 22: U.S. Government Shutdown Causes Students To Treat Politics More Seriously; Sam Clark and Gus Mayopoulos Win UC Election
November 23: Sam Clark Pranks Yale, Wins Yale College Council Election
Sam Clark 24: November Renamed Sam Clark Month
December 3: Crimson Reports Everyone At Harvard Gets Straight “A”s Except You
December 5: Yogurtland Stops Giving Out Free Frozen Yogurt; Insomnia Workers Protest
December 8: Fungus On Tree Has Never Heard of Donald Pfister
December 14: “Nothing Noteworthy At Harvard Lately,” CNN Reports
December 16: “Nevermind,” CNN Amends
January 22: Rakesh Khurana Chosen as Dean of the College, Excited His Transfer Out of Cabot Was Approved
January 27: Freshman Stops Diet After Reading ECHO Poster
January 31: Birthday Party Attendance Less than Facebook Event Predicts
February 11: Freshman Formal Ends Early When Dean Dingman’s Date Leaves With Someone Else
February 14: Widener Stacks Librarian Has Worst Day of the Year
February 15: Datamatch Results Inconclusive: Junior Probably Not The Father
February 28: Gov Concentrator Looks Up Crimea On Map, Is Pleasantly Surprised.
March 5: Bloomberg Named Commencement Speaker; Lamont Bag Checks Renamed Stop and Frisk
March 12: Freshman Uses New SAT As Excuse to Brag About Her Perfect Score
March 18: Senior Boy Appears Tan After Spring Break, But It’s Just the Lighting.
March 20: CAPITAL LETTERS CAMPAIGN Hits Halfway Mark
April 1: Student’s April Fools Joke Not That Funny, You Had to Be There, He Said.
April 2: HUDS Unveils New Line of Pre Prepared Salads. Students Eat Again.
April 9: Faculty Sign Letter For Divestment From Fossil Fuels; Faust Prints It 5,000 Times, Burns The Stack, Jumps In Hummer And Drives Off With The Top Down, AC At Full Blast
April 12: Student-Written Play Boldly Deals With Themes of Light/Dark and the Limits of Human Knowledge
April 30: FM Predicts Future