Hello, Harvard student. I want you to take a second and enjoy that form of address. You are a Harvard student. And that is super special for a lot of boring academic reasons but actually special for one fucking awesome reason: you get to say that you go to Harvard. No matter what crap social situation you’re stuck in, someone will eventually ask you where you go to college and, after you act squeamish for a second, you get to say “Harvard” which is like telling yourself and them that for at least 21 years, you did not suck at life!

After you graduate, unfortunately, the relevance of where you obtained your degree declines over time. People ask less. People don’t care. You’re just another middle-aged schlub in the carpool line. And you can’t bring it up because then you’re a Very Needy Person Who Went To Harvard and no one likes those.

So, here are some guidelines, on keeping it out there for when you need one of those “I went to Harvard” Self Esteem Boosts.

  1. Introduce your post-college friends to some “friends from college.” Never mention which college: the deliberate vagueness will clue them in right quick.
  2. Get extremely specific Harvard gear or apparel. Harvard t-shirt = obvious. Hist&Lit shirt, on a weathered crimson cotton tee = dope as hell. (Make sure it does say Harvard somewhere, but in cooler, smaller letters. P.S. If this exists I want one.)
  3. Easily translate the word “Veritas” if you ever see it. Just be sure to be the first to translate it because as Latin words go it’s super popular.
  4. If a Harvard related actor comes on-screen, either squint intently or shake your head fondly. Someone might ask if you know them. Then you say (slightly unsure but not too unsure) “Yesss…we went to college about the same time.” DO NOT USE THIS FOR TOMMY LEE JONES HE IS OLD NOW.
  5. Ask people to sing the fight song of their college. Then they will ask you to sing yours which, lucky you, says “Harvard” 60 million times. Try to keep this activity confined to college football Saturdays.
  6. Use your children. Tell them at night, cuddling in bed, that where Mommy/Daddy went to college is soooo special and not to tell anyone ever because it’s a special secret. Kids are terrible at secrets.
  7. If someone mentions Yale, laugh and spit in the dirt.
  8. When you hit 70, tell everyone. You need to remain as interesting as possible to compete for the scant resources our society provides for the elderly.

Good luck.

Sarah C. Haskins ’01 created the ABC comedy “Trophy Wife.”