2:40 A.M.: Set your alarm for a brisk, early hour like 6 a.m. because Tomorrow Is Going To Be Different, Really This Time. You’re going to wake up immediately feeling Ready to Accomplish Lots of Things and Change Earth instead of falling into a deep hole in the Internet until 3 o’clock finds you still curled around your laptop, crippled by regret, as has become your routine.
6:00 A.M.: Go back to sleep.
6:05 A.M.: Go back to sleep a second time.
6:10 A.M.: Go back to sleep a third time because in the dream you just awakened from, Dream You was being offered a lucrative business deal. (If you have learned anything from Inception, it is 1) that you can never be absolutely certain your dreams are not real and 2) that Christopher Nolan’s dreams are weird and anomalous and deal more with architecture than the average person’s dreams.) Maybe reality is a lie and dreams are the real reality! If “real” you misses “real” “work” so “dream” “you” (these air quotes are getting out of hand!) can interview with an important producer who is also a magical crawfish, maybe that’s just called Being An Adult and Having Priorities.
7:00 A.M.: Get some coffee.
7:01 A.M.: START RESPONDING TO EMAILS NOT JUST ONE EMAIL I MEAN EVERY EMAIL YOU’VE GOTTEN SINCE 1998 WHEN YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WAS REENACTORGURL787@AOL.COM BECAUSE YOUR ENERGY IS INFINITE
7:02 A.M.: MAKE PLANS TO BUILD 7 NEW SUNS
7:03 A.M.: GET A FOURTH COFFEE AND EMAIL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO TELL THEM THEY WERE RIGHT TO BELIEVE IN YOU!!!
7:10 A.M.: VOLUNTEER TO BREAK THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD FOR HAVING THE MOST GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS BECAUSE IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING
8:00 A.M.: but first watch this one YouTube video
2:00 P.M.: but thirty-fifth and finally watch this other YouTube video, which I swear is related
5:00 P.M.: well having accomplished nothing all day maybe you should try relaxing at happy hour for just one beer.
5:30 P.M.: just two beers
6:00 P.M.: just three beers
7:00 P.M.: just six beers
8:00 P.M.: maybe you should call people in your phone whose numbers you don’t recognize
9:00 P.M.: dance
9:30 P.M.: wait no you’re terrible at dance
maybe you should tell a story with your movements instead. this one is called Lady In An Exercise Video In A Leotard With A Cat On Her Shoulder see that hand gesture? That was the cat getting away! that one wasn’t a gesture that was just you falling over
10:00 P.M.: this move is called “put a leash on that dog”
10:05 P.M.: this one is called “put a sweater on that cat”
10:15 P.M.: this one is called “quarantine that airline passenger”
10:30 P.M.: this one is called “vaccinate that sheep”
10:31 P.M.: meow
11:00 P.M.: so cool how this bar full of homelies has been replaced by an entire bar of sexier Edward Nortons
12:00 A.M.: These people in the ladies room definitely want to hear your life story and thoughts on America’s continuing involvement in Iraq (Comedy Pro Note (TM): America’s continuing involvement in Iraq is an evergreen punch line that will still be relevant centuries from now!)
12:30 A.M.: it is urgent that you send these strings of incoherent consonants to people you are no longer dating
1:00 A.M.: maybe go home?
1:30 A.M.: but first stop by 7-11 just this one time even though it’s gross because you’re hungry and nothing else is open
1:35 A.M.: 7-11 attendant greets you by name and says he is sorry to be out of your usual
1:40 A.M.: this seems like a good time to spend an hour raptly reading detailed rankings of movies you haven’t seen
2:40 A.M.: Set alarm for 6 a.m. because Tomorrow Is Going To Be Different, really this time.